Night Watch

 

The night someone close to you dies is like no night you will ever experience. It drags you into the deepest parts of hell, taking you on a journey of unimaginable physical and emotional pain, worse –much worse – than if you died yourself.
Parts of your body and soul that you never knew existed hurt so bad it would be easier to end it all right there. But we don’t. We stay. We endure. We recover. But do we?
I have never been the same since my mother died when I was 10. We were extremely close. It changed my life’s direction and still does today. There is no getting over it. We cope. We yield to reality. But the mortal wound, the scar left comes with a price, comes back in the deep of the night to rattle your very existance.
For me after my mother’s passing, I never wanted to see anyone close to me die again. So I made sure of it. All my close relationships lasted a short time. The idea of growing old with someone and watching them die was out of the question.
No more Night Watches and I was fine with that. When she left, I looked for her every night. I stayed awake thinking she would return. I heard her voice in the pillows. I saw her face in the window’s reflection. It was as if she was there but she wasn’t.
Then the morning came. The world set in on its pace and she was gone.
This Night Watch went on for months, years. And it  lasted, went on and on,  until I could no longer remember my mother’s voice. Her face faded from the window’s reflection and I was on my own.
Looking back, I believe Eugenia remained with me until she knew I would be OK, able to take it on my own.
Only way to put it is she then flew off to heaven to await my arrival. The Night Watch was over. Jean was in heaven and I was left on earth with some memories and always the lingering thought of why did she have to die so young.
I didn’t have any Night Watches for a long time. I traveled, wrote articles, moved quickly, never getting too attached and always finding a way to escape. This went on for a couple of decades. I successfully achieved my goal until I finally got tired of moving around.
Of course, by this time, the last thing I wanted to do was start what I call a twi-light romance. Meet an older lady, talk about our failures and then hobble around the bedroom trying to bring back the good old days.
By this time, I had chosen my companions carefully and they were a Red Fox Lab and an Alaskan Malamute. During our time together, we had intermittent human female companionship but nothing that lasted very long.
But the three of us were together and I mean together every day for 14 years. We were growing old together and I had forgotten about the Night Watches until Ms Moose died in January. She stayed for about four days until flying to heaven. I think she left quickly because she knew Max was with me and would take care of me
Then a week ago Max left this earth. It has been a week but he is still here with me every night. I am back in the Night Watches and I am in the thick of it again. He will stay until he knows I can handle it, get through the night without losing my mind. I don’t know how long that will be but I don’t expect him to leave anytime soon.
I will let you know when Max flies off to heaven.
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