Get Spanked and Become an Instant Millionaire

Get Spanked and Become an Instant Millionaire

By Greg Szymanski, JD
Dec. 13, 2009

Someone mentioned the other day a punk kid in this cockeyed country sued one of his teachers and church guardians, receiving a $1.25 million dollar reward for a simple spanking on his bottom.

If things were like that back when I was a kid, I’d be a very rich man today. A billionaire times over.

I’d have first sued my grandmother, the first remembered slap on my bottom being when I decided to paint a picture of a horse with mustard and ketchup on her newly waxed kitchen floor after several grandmotherly warnings.

Verdict today in a “civil” court using my law school training probably about $500,000 for a first spanking incident with supervised visitation rights for grandma.

Oh, I know me and if I grew up understanding what civil litigation not a spanking on my bottom meant, I wouldn’t have stopped there with grandma. Oh no, I wouldn’t have stopped there!

This was easy money and first off I wouldn’t have wanted Mom or Dad to get their hands caught in the cookie jar.

So I know I would have hidden the money under a big tree in the backyard with a big rock over it so Ralph my dog would never be able to dig it up, ever.

Anyway who needed Dad and Mom for a college fund now, figuring they work for me since I’ve got six figures in my piggy bank, the piggy bank grandma bought. How fitting.

But being the good grandson I was, I would have of course entertained the thought of giving her a kickback, but by no means would I have wanted to ever do anything dishonest.The state and me had a good thing going, right, and I didn’t want to ruin it. No way. This was easy money.

I certainly would have been considered a great big fool to stop with grandma, wouldn’t I? So the lawsuits would have continued, of course, if the world was cockeyed way back when like it is today.

And since Dad spanked me on a regular basis way back when, he was an easy mark, good for 10 to 20 million in today’s market. I’d have been a fool not to save him for last. That would have been the right thing to do, right, if things back then are like they are today?

Sure that’s right. Just ask any school counselor or Child Protective Service worker on the public payroll?

Back to way back when.

I, of course, was a kid with a heart and would have asked the CPS worker if Dad would get a cut of the money since he was acting extra special good to me lately , letting me get away with listening to the Cubs late night Dodger games instead of going to bed early for school.

I know I would have wanted to give him a little cream off the top so he could buy a new milk truck or two.
He was a milkman, walked an awful lot and worked hard for Mom and me so I would have cut him in for a piece of the legal action if at all possible.

So with Dad in my back pocket way back when, I would have had to pick another mark in my “get rich by getting spanked” scheme just to keep the money ball rolling.

I picked Ottmy grandfather’s pinnacle card-playing buddy who was helping him build a boat in the garage.

Otto had a wooden leg from the war so I think I would have crawled under the card table along with grandpa’s doberman, Eddy, who used to sit under the table chewing off his rather long toe nails.

That’s a long story for another time with grandma forcing my grandfather to cut his toe nails since they scratched her in bed every night. That’s at least what I heard and like I said we have to leave it for another time.

So I crawled under the card table and starting writing with red ink in big letters “Otto loves Wanda and wants to marry her.” I heard Otto saying he was lonely after his wife, Elsie, died and after years of washing his own clothes, wouldn’t have mind getting together with Wanda.

After making the last heart with a great big arrow like Cupid on his wooden peg leg, Otto finally felt the point of the pen.

It took him awhile to react with that wooden leg but when he did I knew I had enough now to buy a mansion in Beverly Hills and could live next to those hillbillies I always watched on TV.

And before I got up off the floor, Otto put me over his peg-legged lap and walloped me a good one on the bottom with his cane, grandpa never objecting and encouraging him to teach me a good lesson.

I spent the next few days wiping the ink off his wooden leg with some turpentine but it gave me time to prepare the lawsuit. I know I would have done that if way back then is like it is now.

And as they say the rest is history and the verdict after paying Stanley the crooked lawyer his cut was approximately 750,000 hamburgers. I liked to compute money back in those days by how many McDonald’s hamburgers I could eat in my lifetime, assuring myself I would never go hungry like in the stories grandma told me about my family in the old country.

They were always hungry. Always starving, always walking with limps and I wondered how they ever had the energy to get over on the boat. But they did and I am glad because now I was fast becoming a millionaire, at least in this make believe crooked world that could have been but is today.

However, if it would have been that way I still had to pay Stanley the crooked lawyer in the neighborhood a third of my earnings. That made me determined to crack the million dollar mark with one lawsuit, never again having to work a day in my life even though I never even started working although I felt like it by watching Dad every day.

However, there is a good and loving side to this story from a good and loving son. I didn’t really want to ever sue Dad at least that’s what I would have said. But I knew I was just delaying the inevitable.

Once you get a taste of easy lawsuit money it never ends. I knew one day I would have hit up Dad since he is the one who spanked me on the bottom the most and even when I got a little older, threw me outside and made me sleep in the garage when he caught me drinking.

So I would have most definitely decided way back when not to sue Dad, at least for awhile and to instead sue Sister Angelica, the last person who spanked me.

Not only did she spank me on the bottom but she actually made me hold a penny to the blackboard with my nose for the entire class for acting up and putting ants down the collar of little Nancy the tattletale sitting in front of me.

I had collected the ants all during lunchtime for the glorious occasion of getting the once in a lifetime chance to get even with Nancy for always snitching on me.

And the nerve of Sister Angelica putting me on public display for such a worthwhile endeavor but I figured it was worth millions so I obediently put my nose to the board while everyone laughed their heads off during prayers.

Boy did I figure this wrong this time.

Can’t win ’em all, I guess. Stanley the crooked lawyer told me off good with a scowl oh his face when I went to his office with the case in hand. Instead of dollar signs in his eyes, Stanley looked at me like I was nuts, saying the law suit is no good, absolutely no good, impossible, out of the question, absurd, simply ridiculous!

And that was it just like that. The end of easy money with the simple words “Don’t you know you can’t sue the Roman Catholic Church, kid?” And with that my litigious balloon was busted.

But I hung on, thinking I needed that house in Beverly Hills, asking like a little mouse, “Why?

“It’s not holy,” blurted Stanley “and you know the judges all are Catholic. I won’t be able to walk down the street anymore! Go look for somebody else to sue. Go sue Johnny the butcher, he’s always got blood on his hands. Sue the Protestant minister. Sue the crazy Evangelist who lives on Harlem Avenue. They’re OK to sue but don’t go walking in the Mother Church, even though they got more money than Rockefeller, trying to get any of their gold. That’s just the way it is. Just the way it is.”

So my life in lawsuits was quickly put to an end even though it could have happened way back when if it was the way it is now.

So I sit now in what seems like a completely different world a 100 years later with a Juris Doctor degree. I got stuck in the law for awhile and deserve it for even thinking like a crook even in this fictitious walk down memory lane.

But in reality, in the real world, I didn’t make any money, got sick of the corruption and decided to spend life penning a few words instead of running around suing people.

“Then why do you still put that confounded JD behind your name on every article you write?” asked one reader. “Why don’t you just put JA behind your name instead?”

I thought about it with a good laugh, saying how about “JAD or JDA”.

But in truth if today’s litigious conditions existed, all those things I mentioned above could have happened.

Could have happened. Would have happened. But didn’t happen because family was still more important way back then and “Child Protective Service” thug units would not be able to play mommy and daddy.

The sad thing is parents collectively haven’t “put their foot down” closing the door before the State got a strong foothold with its deceptive invasion into the homes and private lives of Americans.

But the real catch is these CPS thugs act like mommy and daddy but they really are doing it for money, not love.

They do it for federal money kick backs, concocting child abuse cases to keep their jobs while getting judges, psychiatrists and doctors rich.

They do it to separate families not bring them together. How can a state thug bring love in any home, anyway? How can they fix anything? They can’t.

If you don’t believe me there are thousands of cases to back me up. Like the one in Florida where a guy named Greg Pound hasn’t seen his kids for five years for a simple accident that was in no way neglect.

It was an accident but the crooked case workers saw a chance to make a bundle by stealing all his children, wanting to steal a baby not born yet.

And they did, the mother finally turned herself in after years of be falsely categorized as a fugitive from justice.

Justice! If that’s what you American’s want to call it, go ahead. But if you don’t believe me, the beauty of technology is go read about Pound’s case and other cases at and then come back and talk to me.

And while your at it why don’t you go to and read how today in this cockeyed world they jailed that fictitious Evangelist minister Stanley the crooked lawyer told me to sue.

They jailed Tony Alamo on false charges and to top it off they took more than 35 children from Bible believing families under the guise of abuse when no abuse has ever been shown.

This is the cockeyed world we live in. But it’s real, out of control and there is no end in sight to judges awarding million of dollars for simple spankings that may or may not have even happened.

But remember one thing like Stanley the crooked lawyer said:

“Don’t sue the Roman Catholic Church kid, your chances of winning there ain’t good, ain’t any good at all.”


One thought on “Get Spanked and Become an Instant Millionaire

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